My 31st Birthday – Guest Post

My original idea for a guest blog appearance was to offer the antithesis of Nikki’s blog. I was going to give a Perry Cox type of list that explains all of the happenings I think are wrong with the world today. However, after a nice talk over some single malt and red meat I was dissuaded from that idea and pushed in a more ‘glass is half full’ direction.

With that having been written I decided to write a list that explains all of the pros and cons of being a 31 year old, married with one child, white male, suburban commando. SPOILER ALERT– It ain’t so bad.

  1. Motherfucker I have equity.  PRO 
  2. They say having a child is like losing your legs and winning the lotto at the same time. I think a more appropriate phrase would be its like getting punched in the dick, poked in the eye, and falling backwards on a fence. Then, a tiny ape who causes all of these problems gives you a kiss and hug to tell you it’s going to be alright…and you believe them. – PRO/CON
  3. People take me more seriously simply based on the fact that my sperm has fertilized an egg and in the 19 months since her birth I have managed to keep her alive and at a developmentally appropriate stage. – PRO
  4. As a father I find my main purpose in life is to walk around my house and turn off lights.  CON
  5. For some odd reason, when someone who has children learns that you also have reproduced, it is code for, “Oh since we both have children, you must naturally want to hear all about mine.” CON
  6. After discussing how hard it is to be a single parent with my spouse, we have decided that we cannot get a divorce for at least 18 years. So, ya know, I’m in a fairly stable, steady commitment.  PRO
  7. Theoretically, referring back to #6, I can completely let myself go and just give up on life. I don’t plan on it, but I find it to be a peculiar mental pillow for myself.  PRO
  8. Watching friends and family who are not married or have children act reckless and do whatever they want whenever they want is like being in a classroom that has windows next to the playground. You get to watch every class in the entire fucking building play on the goddamn monkey bars except your class because you have the teacher who doesn’t believe in recess and you get in trouble for looking outside.  CON
  9. I no longer have to drink Keystone Light cans that couldn’t get lukewarm if they were placed in a freezer for two days unlike some bloggers I know. Instead I thoroughly enjoy damn good craft beers and awesome booze even though I prefer gut rot whiskey.  PRO
  10. My wife is a really good cook and I genuinely enjoy her cooking more than most restaurant food.  PRO

*BONUS* – Since this is supposed to be like Perry Cox from Scrubs: Hugh Jackman movies.  CON

About the Author – Blog Owner’s Note: Future guest posters should not shy away from the antithesis, there cannot be good without bad after all. But I did find this unique description of what it is like to be a 31 year old parent particularly funny, so the glass half full approach is appreciated. Also, all readers should take #2 as authoritative advice. No one knows what it is like to fall on a fence quite like this guest author.

P.S. While my tastes in alcohol have also matured, I will happily admit that I am still a big fan of Keystone Light. Some things don’t change. 

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